this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
