Non-Jews are for practice
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
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