he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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