My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
