My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
