Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
