I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Randomize
