if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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