you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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