When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
