Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Can you bring me the toilet please
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
