In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
