i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
