A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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