i wish my penis had a tongue
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Randomize
