took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
