Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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