I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
