Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Dick very happy bro
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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