I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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