Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
