What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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