I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
