a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
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