There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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