I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize