i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
