watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
