I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
