The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
