So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You ruined the universe
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
