she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
