why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
