I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
