Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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