I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
