Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize