just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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