Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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