Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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