You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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