if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
