remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
3 2 1 whiskey
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
