All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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