I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
