Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
