we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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