Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
