please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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