so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
