He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Randomize
