dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
