What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize
