If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
