Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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