He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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