Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
