Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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