So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
