Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
