Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
