No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
