Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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