Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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