last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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