Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
