Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
