God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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